Sex with J. Love

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Sex with J.Love

A couple of weeks ago I was out at a bar, minding my own business, tossing extra beers down my throat when my friends were outside, and generally just gettin' my ~drunk~ on. Now, if I'm to the point of sneaking beers, I'm probably going to talk to strangers. And thank Buddha I did, because I got a column question out of it.

If I put a remote control up my girlfriend's vagina, can I still use it to control the television?



BarDude, I hate your need to reiterate your association to Soundgarden. However I'll suspend judgment because this is one of the most legitimately ridiculous questions I've ever fucking heard.

No, your remote control will not work inside your girlfriend's vagina. Not if it's an infrared remote, which it probably is. Consult this HowStuffWorks.com article if you really want to understand why you can't pump a clicker in and out of the HolyHole while flipping between 30 Rock and True Blood. Essentially, the little light on the front of your remote is actually sending signals to the television, so when you block it's path of transmission with something like a uterus, it can't do it's job. You can't turn a laser pen on inside a vagina and expect it to light up the STS9 show either, y'know? Similar concept.

Now, let me explain why I extra-hate you. Did it ever occur to you to just hold your hand in front of the remote and attempt to get it to work? Try that. Right now.

Exactly.

The better question would have been: HOW can I get the remote to work while in my girlfriend's vagina?

A: Have your girlfriend sit on your lap and relax the back of her body onto the front of yours. Insert the remote control into her grouch of a gap backwards (so that the LED light is still visible), and then take it from there.

Schaeffer & j.love learn to text.

Conversation Transcript 

(Schaeffer is on the left, j.love is on the right)

The point of this is actually threefold:

1. Plugging my company, Microfiber Assholes, Inc.

2. Encourage all of you to post your drunk textversation aftermath. 

3. Request: Send me a sex/love question for "Sex With J.Love"  

(Wolf, JP, Woo, TaulPaul, I'm looking at you)

Sex With J. Love

What is a respectable about of time to devote to masturbating per week? Is masturbating healthy? Why is masturbating so fun?



I don't understand the first part of your question. Why would you want to know how much time can be appropriately devoted to masturbating per "week"? Are you not tugging daily? If you were joking, you should seriously fuck off with that- because I don't find the notion of someone NOT masturbating on a daily basis funny, at all. Would you laugh at a stripper on her period? No. Because you don't laugh at disturbing things.

In order to move forward I'm going to assume you asked me how many times a person should masturbate per DAY. Equate each session of masturbation to drinking a glass of water. How many 8oz glasses of water should the average individual take in per day? Generally speaking, eight. Before you react too strongly, hear (…read) me out:

Orgasms are powerful, like Wolverines, Ashley Schaeffer's Cock, or Baby Jesus. Consulting sources such as Ken Chisholm (board certified surgeon) or Brian Alexander (msnbc.com health contributor) will lead you to a few conclusions:

1. Orgasms can help reduce physical pain and tension.
2. Orgasms can help you quit smoking.
3. Orgasms can help you to get a better night's rest.
4. Orgasms can burn calories.
5. Orgasms can reduce food cravings.
6. Orgasms can reduce the risk/effect of depression.

But most importantly, especially (exclusively) for men, is the fact that masturbating on a regular basis reduces the risk for colon and/or prostate cancer. That's right, every time you splooge on the front of Rachel Ray's Everyday magazine, you're shooting cancer in the face too. This means you should masturbate frequently, so any "appropriate" number should be thought of in terms of a single day - not a week. God, grow up and touch your penis, Grant.

Now, consider this: drinking water also reduces food cravings, reduces aches and tension, aides in the loss of weight, and basically keeps your shit healthy. And when I say keeps your shit healthy, I mean it keeps your colon (aka shit-maker) fucking healthy. Are you with me now? Can we relate masturbating to drinking water already?

If we think of masturbating as similar to drinking water, then this snopes article becomes rather useful.

I'm not trying to contradict myself, I'm trying to provide a real answer. Do you need to masturbate eight times a day? Hell no, but you certainly could, and nothing bad would happen to you. In fact, probably good shit would happen to you.

Another useful piece of informative ass can be pulled from that article: you can get water from sources other than pure water. Similarly, you can get the benefits of masturbating from sources other than your stupid awkward double-jointed left hand. Go have SEX. Alternatively, find someone to lick on your armpit of a groin for a while until you make them regret it by shouting BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE (see pop culture reference here).

And to answer your last question, "Why is masturbating so fun?" Well, your body isn't stupid. In fact, it's smarter than you (avoid philosophical quandary here if you can). Your body wouldn't make masturbating so fun if it was bad for you. It's not. It's like drinking water and drinking High Life. It's a responsibility.

J. Love needs questions.

One of the amazing things about BW2A.com is that we happen to have a guru on all things sex. How is she an expert you ask? This trick is nasty. One time I saw her put her whole foot in her mouth.* If you are in need of advice please feel free to ask your questions in the comments area or send them to webmasterb@beingway2awesome.com. I sent her a question about masturbation earlier and I look forward to seeing her response.


*I never actually saw her do that.