Sex With J. Love

What is a respectable about of time to devote to masturbating per week? Is masturbating healthy? Why is masturbating so fun?



I don't understand the first part of your question. Why would you want to know how much time can be appropriately devoted to masturbating per "week"? Are you not tugging daily? If you were joking, you should seriously fuck off with that- because I don't find the notion of someone NOT masturbating on a daily basis funny, at all. Would you laugh at a stripper on her period? No. Because you don't laugh at disturbing things.

In order to move forward I'm going to assume you asked me how many times a person should masturbate per DAY. Equate each session of masturbation to drinking a glass of water. How many 8oz glasses of water should the average individual take in per day? Generally speaking, eight. Before you react too strongly, hear (…read) me out:

Orgasms are powerful, like Wolverines, Ashley Schaeffer's Cock, or Baby Jesus. Consulting sources such as Ken Chisholm (board certified surgeon) or Brian Alexander (msnbc.com health contributor) will lead you to a few conclusions:

1. Orgasms can help reduce physical pain and tension.
2. Orgasms can help you quit smoking.
3. Orgasms can help you to get a better night's rest.
4. Orgasms can burn calories.
5. Orgasms can reduce food cravings.
6. Orgasms can reduce the risk/effect of depression.

But most importantly, especially (exclusively) for men, is the fact that masturbating on a regular basis reduces the risk for colon and/or prostate cancer. That's right, every time you splooge on the front of Rachel Ray's Everyday magazine, you're shooting cancer in the face too. This means you should masturbate frequently, so any "appropriate" number should be thought of in terms of a single day - not a week. God, grow up and touch your penis, Grant.

Now, consider this: drinking water also reduces food cravings, reduces aches and tension, aides in the loss of weight, and basically keeps your shit healthy. And when I say keeps your shit healthy, I mean it keeps your colon (aka shit-maker) fucking healthy. Are you with me now? Can we relate masturbating to drinking water already?

If we think of masturbating as similar to drinking water, then this snopes article becomes rather useful.

I'm not trying to contradict myself, I'm trying to provide a real answer. Do you need to masturbate eight times a day? Hell no, but you certainly could, and nothing bad would happen to you. In fact, probably good shit would happen to you.

Another useful piece of informative ass can be pulled from that article: you can get water from sources other than pure water. Similarly, you can get the benefits of masturbating from sources other than your stupid awkward double-jointed left hand. Go have SEX. Alternatively, find someone to lick on your armpit of a groin for a while until you make them regret it by shouting BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE (see pop culture reference here).

And to answer your last question, "Why is masturbating so fun?" Well, your body isn't stupid. In fact, it's smarter than you (avoid philosophical quandary here if you can). Your body wouldn't make masturbating so fun if it was bad for you. It's not. It's like drinking water and drinking High Life. It's a responsibility.