GEN. SPLENDID'S INTERVIEW WITH MACK BROW

The following interview has been transcribed in it's entirety.

Splendid: Hey, Mack, I know you're busy this time of year, so I really appreciate the fact that you called me back.

Brown: Oh, it's my pleasure, General. When I heard you had called in the middle of our team meeting, it was all I could do to keep from slapping my secretary for not interrupting.

Splendid: Don't sweat it, Mack. She's a sweetheart with a rather filthy mouth and that's the way I like them.

Brown: I hear ya, brother.

Splendid: Moving on. Mack, there seems to be quite a bit of positive press coming out of Austin about your team this year. Is this type of press even warranted, or are you blowing sunshine up everybody's ass as usual?

Brown: Well, General, that's a good question and one that merits a good answer. Unfortunately, I can't answer that question truthfully.

Splendid: Really?

Brown: Yeah, hell, you know, we have a stable full of top Texas athletes that were all well-coached in high school, but it's a god damned crap shoot when we get them suited up and out on the field in game situations. I'm still trying to figure out how to properly organize practices at this level and I spend so much time working on our uniform design that I'm left with virtually nothing when it comes time for game preparation.

Splendid: Mack, those uniforms have gone unchanged for the last seven decades. Are you sure you need to fuck with that?

Brown: Well, at the University of Texas, we're always looking for ways to stay ahead of Texas A&M and this is a design we're reserving for those Aggies, so we feel strongly that this will be to our advantage.

Splendid: Are you fucking serious?

Brown: Why sure I am.

Splendid: Okay... Let's switch it up to Colt. He had a big year last year and it seems that the sky just might be the limit for him this year. Hell, some folks even say he's a shoe-in for the Heisman. However, I have it on good authority that he and his roommate, Jordan Shipley, were caught dancing together at one of Austin's many gay bars after curfew. Is this true? If so, will this complicate matters when it comes to team chemistry?

Brown: Who told you... Listen, Colt and Jordan are two very fine young men who deserve to be happy. I would think that we've progressed enough as a society to recognize that.

Splendid: What?

Brown: All I'm saying is that, even if those reports are true, it won't affect my feelings for them.

Splendid: I'm sure it won't. Listen, I've so many questions for you, but I know it's late and you need your rest, so I'll call you later on this season. I do have one final question. Given the opportunity, would you ever offer a kid guns as an incentive to come play football for you?

Brown: No way.

Splendid: Even if you knew you weren't gonna get caught?

Brown: That'd just be too dangerous when you take into account the thugs we recruit.

Splendid: Thanks for your time, Coach.

Brown: You betcha, General. Anytime. Go Longhorns!