Sex with J.Love

A couple of weeks ago I was out at a bar, minding my own business, tossing extra beers down my throat when my friends were outside, and generally just gettin' my ~drunk~ on. Now, if I'm to the point of sneaking beers, I'm probably going to talk to strangers. And thank Buddha I did, because I got a column question out of it.

If I put a remote control up my girlfriend's vagina, can I still use it to control the television?



BarDude, I hate your need to reiterate your association to Soundgarden. However I'll suspend judgment because this is one of the most legitimately ridiculous questions I've ever fucking heard.

No, your remote control will not work inside your girlfriend's vagina. Not if it's an infrared remote, which it probably is. Consult this HowStuffWorks.com article if you really want to understand why you can't pump a clicker in and out of the HolyHole while flipping between 30 Rock and True Blood. Essentially, the little light on the front of your remote is actually sending signals to the television, so when you block it's path of transmission with something like a uterus, it can't do it's job. You can't turn a laser pen on inside a vagina and expect it to light up the STS9 show either, y'know? Similar concept.

Now, let me explain why I extra-hate you. Did it ever occur to you to just hold your hand in front of the remote and attempt to get it to work? Try that. Right now.

Exactly.

The better question would have been: HOW can I get the remote to work while in my girlfriend's vagina?

A: Have your girlfriend sit on your lap and relax the back of her body onto the front of yours. Insert the remote control into her grouch of a gap backwards (so that the LED light is still visible), and then take it from there.